Christmas Christmas Gimme Gimme

Christmas is here and that means one thing: young women will be clamouring for these stlyish Kitchenaid mixers (shown: "persimmon red"). And yes I say young women, because older women who can cook like mofos who really could use one of these things usually scoff at them and use their $11 hand-held beaters they've had for 28 years instead. Let's face it, these things are nothing more than a kitchen accoutrement. In general, women who say they "totally need one" of these couldn't cook a ham sandwich. Let's drop in on a Kitchenaid mixer conversation currently in progress, shall we:

woman: Oh my God, I totally need one of those cute Kitchenaid mixers

person #2: Oh yeah? Those things are like $300 - that's a lot of dough. Do you do a lot of baking?

woman: They're so "retro". I just can't decide between the "glacier blue" one and the "pistachio green" one. Such tough decisions. Sometimes I hate my life...

person #2: Do you want the 4 1/2 quart tilt-head or the 5 quart bowl-lift model? The tilt-head is easier to use for mixing lighter, fluffier doughs, but the 5 quart has more power for large batches of stiffer doughs like shortbreads .

woman: "But if I get "boysenberry red" it would look just great next to the toaster. Such tough decisions. I'm so stressed out."

person #2: "Sometimes I hate your life. OK, it's all the time"