fence

Bridgehampton, NY

dad

“Your father’s middle name is “Italian Bread”” -my mom

Troy, NY

clapboard

Stowe, Vermont

commute

I was driving on the empty highway to work one recent morning. The sun wouldn’t be up for a while, but its warm glow already illuminated the sky with an artist’s palette of muted colors, each subtly blended into the next as they fanned out across the sky’s cloudless expanse. The branches of the bare trees lining the road were silhouetted in a rich black against the sky, each branch clearly defined in crystal-sharp clarity. The buzz of loud guitar rock filled the car, but my mind kept it at a distance, finding soothing comfort in it as sonic baseline and not much else. The open highway stretched out before me, my cruise control furthering my feeling of passive observer of the morning unfolding before me. I thought:

The smell of farts is to the smell of shit as the smell of ground coffee is to the smell of a cup of coffee.

It was a weird morning…

baseboard

You know the sex was good when you have to wipe cum off the baseboard.

funeral

Me: "You never really WANT to go to a funeral..."

my wife: "...unless the deceased is a stripper"

Pickles

"Pickles are destroying my life" - some chick on Maury Povich

Jimmy Fallon

Do you think Jimmy Fallon puts on his coat, grabs his keys and looks in the hallway mirror before he goes out the door and says, "My hair just isn't messy enough," and goes upstairs and runs a Dustbuster through it?