Hippity Hoppity

my 3 year old daughter: "Daddy, what's a 'hip hop star'?"

me: "Well, honey, it's like a rock star but without any musical skill."

Two great tastes...

You got your Budweiser in my Clamato. You got your Clamato in my Budweiser. [insert yuckyness shutter]

Happy Thanksgiving vegetarians!

Tofurky?!?! Are you tofucking kidding me?

Hey Lady, your life is fucked up!

Two entries in my new series entitled “Hey Lady, your life is fucked up!”:

(1) Last night a young girl comes treat-or-treating at my house with her twenty-something mom standing behind her. I hook the kid up with some Twix. Then the woman asked, “Can mom trick-or-treat too?” And she stuck out a bag*. You’re twenty years old and you’re trick-or-motherfucking treating?!?! Hey lady, your life is fucked up!

(2) Also last night, but a few hours later: I’m in the Garden Grill, a neighborhood dive bar. After rummaging through her bag for a while, I see a 40ish woman go up to the bar and hand the bartender a small stack of quarters. He pours her a 10 ounce Bud draft. You’re 40 years old and you’re buying beers with change?!?! You need either (a) more money or (b) to drink less. Probably a lot less. Now c’mon people, say it with me: Hey lady, your life is fucked up!

*Hell no I didn’t give the mom any candy…


"C'mon dude, hook a moms up with some motherfuckin' Twix yo"

"How much beer can I get for this many quarters?"