Please refrain from all cussing and cussing-related activity por favor

Dear Source Magazine: Have you heard this new rapper who's just tearing up the underground club scene? Off the hizzle...






#1 sign it's a great rap song: the rhyming of "new sensation" and "across the nation". How do they think of this stuff. They're wordsmiths I tell you, wordsmiths!

A historic day...

I'm gonna be telling my grandkids about today. When I saw Biden stand up and take that oath, I got a lump in my throat. Chills up my spine. It's a dawn of a brand new day. I think that, despite our differences, Americans of all shapes and size, colors and creeds, had a sense of unity today - unified in the thought, "With Joe Biden as our Vice President, there is nothing that is not possible." God Bless America.

"You're Goddamn right I swear"

Hippity Hoppity

my 3 year old daughter: "Daddy, what's a 'hip hop star'?"

me: "Well, honey, it's like a rock star but without any musical skill."

Two great tastes...

You got your Budweiser in my Clamato. You got your Clamato in my Budweiser. [insert yuckyness shutter]

Happy Thanksgiving vegetarians!

Tofurky?!?! Are you tofucking kidding me?

Hey Lady, your life is fucked up!

Two entries in my new series entitled “Hey Lady, your life is fucked up!”:

(1) Last night a young girl comes treat-or-treating at my house with her twenty-something mom standing behind her. I hook the kid up with some Twix. Then the woman asked, “Can mom trick-or-treat too?” And she stuck out a bag*. You’re twenty years old and you’re trick-or-motherfucking treating?!?! Hey lady, your life is fucked up!

(2) Also last night, but a few hours later: I’m in the Garden Grill, a neighborhood dive bar. After rummaging through her bag for a while, I see a 40ish woman go up to the bar and hand the bartender a small stack of quarters. He pours her a 10 ounce Bud draft. You’re 40 years old and you’re buying beers with change?!?! You need either (a) more money or (b) to drink less. Probably a lot less. Now c’mon people, say it with me: Hey lady, your life is fucked up!

*Hell no I didn’t give the mom any candy…


"C'mon dude, hook a moms up with some motherfuckin' Twix yo"

"How much beer can I get for this many quarters?"

"Do you, Sasquatch, take this unicorn..."

I, like so many Americans, tuned into the Vice-Presidential debate Thursday night soley to see if Palin was gonna crash and burn like she did in those "I-can't-believe-this-woman-is-actually-running-for-Vice-motherfuckin-President" Katie Couric interview clips I saw during the week. Anyway, at one point gay marriage came up. Not surprisingly, Palin said she wasn't down with it. Then Biden said he also was not down with it. Really? That caught me off guard - I thought the Democrats were pro gay marriage. I can't believe how absolutely fucking terrified people in this country are by gay marriage? If two people love each other enough to want to pledge all that "death do us part" crap to each other, isn't that kinda awesome, regardless of pretty much everything else? It was at that moment, when Biden said that, that I realized the real issue behind the gay marriage thing: the average person is scared shitless of gay people. "Ya know Mabel, the other day I was walking down the block and I saw a gay walking toward me - I ran inside and locked the door. Whew!" People are so fucking scared and confused by them that a gay wedding might as well be a marriage between Sasquatch and a unicorn.

"Sasquatch, you complete me"

"arggh uuuhhhttt ptew"

Use a fuckin' FORK!

If you're not Asian and you bring your lunch to work and you eat it with chopsticks, guess what? You're pretentious as shit!

Hi, I'm a sucker

Somehow my health insurance company sent me a check for $70 in error. So what do I do? I call them up and tell them that I think they made a mistake and that "this money is not rightfully mine*" I'm such a loser! Why didn't I just cash that bitch like every other person on Earth would have done? Let me tell you, this being righteous shit doesn't fuckin' pay. And it doesn't pay exactly 70 goddamn dollars in this case.

* what a gay phrase. I'm a dork.

Father's Day

I have a little daughter. And another on the way really soon (gulp). And I've gotta tell you I'm proud to be a dad. Today I'm paging through the Boscov's Father's Day Sale flyer and see the picture below. Is this how people see the typical father? Good grief! Us white guys fuckin' suck#.

# see, I told you golf sucks! Just look at what it's done to us fellas.