Would you care for a beverage Satan?

Satan probably doesn't drink white wine.

.

...that drives women crazy

Dear High School boys of the world: Your theory of "If some cologne is good*, then more cologne is better" could not be more wrong.

* some cologne is not good.

National Park

Dear parents: If your kid grows up without you having ever taken him to a National Park, that's one strike against you.

Zesty Ranch Chicken Sandwich

I've never eaten at an Applebee's and would do so only under extreme duress.

arty photography bullshit

Golden Gate Bridge, taken yesterday

No joke here, I just wanted to show how cool I am that I jet off to the west coast on a whim (and by on a whim I mean "a trip to visit my in-laws against my will that we planned 2 months in advance")

And this is here to show that my mother-in-law got her car waxed by a bunch of mexicans over the weekend. Nice beading action!

high maintenance

Rule of thumb: The less material there is to a woman's underwear, the higher maintenance she is.

ludes

"I was 13 or 14 and I sold quaaludes at the Southwick [Bar] and I saw Van Halen play and I was like...WOW!" - Slash


Not surprising that Slash loved Van Halen. Also not surprising that he sold ludes when he 13 yrs old...

#99: Freaky le freak, the Freakster

What's that? You want an mp3 of a guy reading off 700 hobo names? Got it:


http://www.sendspace.com/file/iigvi8

(52 min)

The internet is fuckin' amazing... (I particularly like when the guy inexplicable says "standby" every once in a while)

Birthday

Well, I didn't get the benchgrinder for my birthday. But I did get this slammin' new bigscreen TV and VCR. I have to admit, it's pretty cool being on the cutting edge of new technology. Yeah, that's a top-loading VCR. All electronics need a nice woodgrain finish...

It's truly a kick-ass gift. But I told my wife all I wanted was a benchgrinder. Or this slammin' lamp I saw at the Tugboat Festival:

"That's a cool lamp Uncle Jesse. Yee-haw!!!"

Murderer meet suicidal guy, suicidal guy meet murderer

Murder is terrible. Suicide is awful. So what we need to do is match up the suicidal people with the murderers. Two birds with one stone...

Put it on! Put it on!

"Gwen, you can sing your pop-dance songs here in Malaysia. As long as you put on this smock."



Last summer there was some hub-bub about the smoking-hot Gwen Stephani playing a concert in Malayshia or some other fucked up country. Apparently the people over there had a problem with the skimpy attire she routinely wears to show off her smoking-hot body. The story I read went on to say that the main group protesting was a Malaysian student group. A TV clip showed a throng of Malayshian college dudes protesting the upcoming concert. What the…? College-aged dudes were protesting against this smoking-hot chick wearing too few clothes? Holy crap. I want to collectively pull these guys aside and say, “Listen here fellas, this crazy-assed religion of yours has got your heads all fucked up. Gwen Stephani is fucking smoking hot. And she wears tight skimpy clothes and struts around like she really wants to fuck. What’s the problem?” Then I’d school them on the typical concert behavior of a college dude: Get to the show 5 hours early. Remove shirt. Get completely shitfaced in the parking lot on warmish beer in cans. Firmly maintain that you are the biggest fan of the headlining act, even though you only really know 3 songs (OK, you only know 2 songs. Kinda.). But don’t let that stop you from randomly screaming out “Gwen Fuckin’ Stephani!!!!” at the top of your lungs every 7 minutes or so. Get into the show 2 minutes before the main act hits the stage. Make sure you and your asshole friends push your way up to the 2nd row, elbowing your way through the people who purposefully got into the show early to get a good spot and have been waiting there patiently for 2 hours. When the band comes out jump up and down incessantly and throw cups of beer at Gwen while repeatedly screaming “Show your tits!*”. Pass out in the dirt during the sixth song.

* Does this mean that for every drunk college kid chanting “Take it off, take it off” at Spring Break, there’s a guy halfway across around the world in Malaysia screaming “Put it on, put it on!” Wow, that just blew my mind…


Systemic cultural sexual repression would make me pissed off too.

I told you she's smoking-hot.

"I fuckin' love Gwen Stephani's hooky dance-pop. This is gonna be the best concert EVER!"

beerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeerbeerBURPbeerbeerbeerbeer

"And now for our seventh song..."

In the Moog for a beer...

Like every jerkoff blog er... I mean bjournal...I'm posting a Youtube link. How original of me. At least this has Schaefer and some dude playing the Moog in it...

Yarn

Phrase you'll never hear: "That shawl is off the hook!"

February is for suicide...

It's February here in beautiful* upstate New York and, man, it's just gray outside. Every day. It's not cool. The weather man should just forego all the partly cloudly, mostly cloudy, partly sunny bullshit and just tell you what shade of gray it'll be that day. "Today will start out 17 degrees and gray timber wolf changing to silver spring by the afternoon commute. For Thursday expect pigeon gray with a high of 28 and expect some high winds, warmer temps and sidewalk gray on tap for Friday."

* adjective does not apply in Jan, Feb and the first 2 weeks of March. Other restrictions may apply.

The warm glow of a roaring fire...

"Gee, Dad, this sure is a swell fire."

"I'm gonna cut you and Mommy into little fuckin' pieces with this chainsaw, Timmy"