gift box

Last year our year and half year old daughter enjoyed opening all her presents on Christmas morning. And, not unexpectedly, she had more fun playing with the box the present came in.

And then it was my turn to open gifts. One of my gifts from my wife was a sexy little piece of lingerie for her to wear. And I had more fun playing with the box that comes in the present...

Aunt Ann

Last year, despite my tough-talk in this here newsletter, I did not sit down to Christmas dinner with a sixer of Bud tallboy cans and drink Conehead-style just to piss off snob-wannabe Aunt Ann. I wanted to, but just ended up feeling bad for her - she's a wacko (and making fun of wackos isn't as much fun as it is on paper.) What, you want an example of her wackoness? OK, here you go: Last year we used the US Postal Service's holiday snowflake stamps on our Christmas cards. This exchange occurred:

Aunt Ann: I liked your Christmas card this year - it was very political.

Me (wondering how in the hell a simple Christmas card with a photo of me, my wife and our daughter sitting in a huge Adirondack chair could ever be considered political): Huh?

Aunt Ann: Oh yeah, the snowflake stamp was clearly a statement against global warming.

See, I told you she's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs

Christmas attire

I never thought much about clothing to be worn specifically on Christmas. For most of my life the only criteria I had for the clothes I wore on Christmas was: "no stains". The first Christmas I spent with my wife's family everyone said, "Tom, why aren't you wearing any red?" I wanted to say, "Because red clothing is stupid looking!" But I'm a wuss so instead I said, "Uh, I dunno". Then I found this shirt at the Salvation Army a few months later. It's a pretty kick-ass shirt (I love how the thousand dollars is unnecessarily rounded to the nearest penny. And the quotes around "in one month" are a great touch. Brilliant!). As an added bonus, I knew it would bend the noses of my tight-assed and relatively humorless in-laws.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em Santa

courtesy of the very funny West Virgina Surf Report (http://www.thewvsr.com/)

Christmas Christmas Gimme Gimme

Christmas is here and that means one thing: young women will be clamouring for these stlyish Kitchenaid mixers (shown: "persimmon red"). And yes I say young women, because older women who can cook like mofos who really could use one of these things usually scoff at them and use their $11 hand-held beaters they've had for 28 years instead. Let's face it, these things are nothing more than a kitchen accoutrement. In general, women who say they "totally need one" of these couldn't cook a ham sandwich. Let's drop in on a Kitchenaid mixer conversation currently in progress, shall we:

woman: Oh my God, I totally need one of those cute Kitchenaid mixers

person #2: Oh yeah? Those things are like $300 - that's a lot of dough. Do you do a lot of baking?

woman: They're so "retro". I just can't decide between the "glacier blue" one and the "pistachio green" one. Such tough decisions. Sometimes I hate my life...

person #2: Do you want the 4 1/2 quart tilt-head or the 5 quart bowl-lift model? The tilt-head is easier to use for mixing lighter, fluffier doughs, but the 5 quart has more power for large batches of stiffer doughs like shortbreads .

woman: "But if I get "boysenberry red" it would look just great next to the toaster. Such tough decisions. I'm so stressed out."

person #2: "Sometimes I hate your life. OK, it's all the time"

LL

...as in "Bean", not "Cool J". An LL Bean store opened here in Albany a few months ago, and there were news reports about throngs of people lining up to get in the door. People lined up for LL Bean? Really? That store has the planest clothes in the world -and I don't mean plain in the cool, minimilist hipster sense. I mean bland. Look at this chick below, as shown in a recent LL catalog. Blech! What's LL Bean's slogan? "Do you want to show the world that you're thoroughly bland? Do you want to pay way too much for what basically equates to grown-up Garanimals for lobotomy patients? Then come shop at LL Bean!"

Wow, thanks for the....

I've seen this thing advertised in the flyers in the Sunday paper recently. My question is: What the hell is it? Is it some sort of jet pack (cool!)? A leaf blower? An industrial-strength device designed to handle hazardous materials? A SuperBlaster 2000 XLT? A handy lightweight flamethrower? What, you say it's a vacuum by that English guy on TV - how boring. What the hell are you supposed to vacuum with that thing?