I sincerely apologize for not mentioning this sooner...

Oh my God, I can't believe I forgot to mention this earlier: I have a new favorite TV show that I stumbled upon: My Big Redneck Wedding on CMT. Holy shit this show is awesome. On this show I've seen things such as:


- the bride choosing the theme for the wedding party's attire: camo!

- the wedding cake purchased at Walmart (after the groom tried to make a 5 foot tall cake by himself, which he totally fucked up. Then he blew it up in his yard.) Oh, wait I'm sorry. I meant "Walmarts".

- a bachelor party in which the highlight was everyone shooting bottlerockets at each other from close range

- the wedding gift from the bride to the groom: a snake

- the gift from the groom to the bride: a gun (yes, a fucking gun!)


And that was just the first episode! This show just solidifies what I've always known to be true: that laughing at stupid southern people is F-U-N!


CMT Friday at 9 pm EST (and repeated like a jillion times during the week)

Check out a nice short clip from a local news program about the first episode:

Update: Redneck nuptuals

I wrote that previous post a few weeks ago. The show burned bright at first - I couldn't get enough man. These redneck people were out of their minds - riding down the aisle on quads, having mud wrestling at the reception, the one dude who wrote "Will you marry me" in piss in the snow as a proposal. But I always knew it's death was not far around the corner for me.

When we sat down to watch a new episode recently I had to turn it off after only 5 minutes, deeming it "too depressing, watching these stupid fucked up rednecks make gigantic idiots of themselves on TV*." That's pretty bad, considering that I watch the show for the specific reason of seeing stupid rednecks make idiots of themselves. But there's a point where it stops being fun and becomes rubbernecking at a horrible car crash (of a rusted-out El Camino and a primer-gray 1991 Ford Bronco). You might as well be playing monkey in the middle with the retarded kid from down the block.

* this occurred when the guy thought of the perfect place to get married: the center of the local demolition derby track! After the bride and groom crashed into each other head on, of course. "Then we'll climb out of the cars and get married on top of them, right here in the center of the track. Yee-haw!!!"

What kind of woman would get married at a demolition derby track? Well, this chick would. Yeah, she kinda looks like a dude.

Nice pants Jesus

my wife: "I went to Target today and bought a pair of Easter pants on sale [for our daughter]"

me: "Easter pants? Do they have the stations of the cross on them or something?"

my wife: "No."


The pants in question. Notice the crucifixion is not represented in any way. BOR-ING!

Send the ref to purgatory!

"Hey Sister Robert Mary*, this will be great to use to point at the sinners in my 4th grade class. And you know how those 4th graders just love sinning. The bastards."

* actual name of a nun I had in grade school [shutter]

Why I Hate California: PART 1

I hate California. That's where my in-laws live and so we fly out to visit them once or twice a year. And the visits suck. Suck I tell you. I know, you're probably thinking, "So your in-laws are a pain. Why take it out on the entire state of California?" Hey man, it's a free country, I can be pissed off at any state I want!

But here's the first in what will be a [possibly very lengthy] series that I've cleaverly entitled: Why I Hate California

PART 1: My in-laws are a bit high-class. At least higher class than me (which admittedly isn't saying much). So when I was drinking a beer at their house, I thought it would be best to use a glass instead of drinking out of the bottle. I went to their well-apportioned bar looking for a beer glass in the extensive collection of glassware. They had absolutely no glasses even remotely suitable for beer consumption. I hate California.

Not a beer glass in the house, but they do have 8 of these ridiculous glasses.

...as compared to...

You see, it's hard for a guy like me deal with such a lack of beer glasses, especially knowing my kick-ass Schiltz chalice was a full 3000 miles away...

I usually just drink beer straight out of the can, but having this glass just makes me feel all warm inside...

...but after I pound those fuckin' beers over there you're getting a beatin'

What he really was saying...

I was listening to the radio today on the way home from work. As part of the intense coverage of Spitzer's resignation, they had a quote from Lietenant Governor David Patterson. "I'm saddened," he said.

What he really meant: "Even though I've been praying every day for 14 months for something catastrophically horrible such as this to befall the Governor, I'm deeply saddened that I now get to be Governor of New York - whoo!!!"

public trust, public schmust

On the same radio report about Spitzer there was another New York State politician, I forget who, who said, "...we now need to work together to help rebuild the public's trust in politicians."

What he meant to say was, "We scumbag fucking politicians need to work really, really hard - as hard as us scumbag politicians can work - to regain the public's trust, so the elected officials of this great state can all get back to doing underhanded shit behind their backs."

I crap best at 21 degrees C

This picture was taken in my parent's bathroom. The device at the bottom is a digital weather station - a common enough thing to have these days I guess (though the bathroom may be an unusual location for such an item). The handwritten card above has a Celsius to Fahrenheit conversion chart, which is a bit weirder. But check out the bottom of the card. My dad has the specific measurements for both a furlong and an acre. What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Just what I've been telling you all these years...

Politicians are fucking scumbags.

It's all supply and demand...

Last week I heard a clip on the radio of President Bush speaking at some sort of press conference. A reporter asked him an economic question that he admittedly couldn't answer. "You'll have to ask an economist," he said. "I think I got a B minus in Econ 101 [chuckle]." C'mon, Bush, don't go around offering up that kind of info. Hell, I took 3 economics classes in college and I got A's in them. And I'm a fuckin' idiot!

ring tones

Ring tones are dumb (a $3 billion a year industry of dumb, if you can believe it). If your ringtone is some sort of classical music, you're annoying*.

*unless you're an actual classical musician. No wait, I take that back. Because classical musicians are annoying. They walk around with their nose in the air like they're so much better than me just because they in fact happen to be better than me. Hey, classical musician guy: we all put our pants on one leg at a time. It's just that my pants have big rips and paint stains on them. So fuck you and your bassoon!

SIng us a song Nordstroms-piano man...

Today I was at the mall here in California and I went into Nordstroms. Browsing around the men's department I picked up a tie that caught my eye. I flip it over and looked at the price: $125!!!!!! For a tie!!!!! I dropped it and ran screaming from the store. Which leads me to this:

If there's a guy playing a grand piano in the store - and it's not a piano store - then it's way too fancy of a place for me*.

* and let's face it, it's too fancy of place for everyone else too. A fuckin clothing store does not need a dude playing a piano in it.

PBJ, VCR

Our daughter is 2 and half now. She's both mind-scrambling frustrating and heart-meltingly cute (often within seconds of each other). She's a normal kid and we're going through all the typical things that parents of a 2 year old go through. Surprisingly however, we have yet to experience the "peanut butter sandwich jammed into the VCR". Yeah, remember VCRs? "Honey, those are what people had before DVRs and Tivo". "But why don't we have DVR, Daddy?" Because Mommy and Daddy are poor, that's why..